Who Knows.

Weight: 268

Lost: 13

Regained in the past 10 months: 30

Eight months had passed since Karlie's mother had died. She sat lone in her trailer and buried herself in yet another box of chocolate chip pumpkin cookies. She felt like she'd lost everything. Her world had not ceased to function but it had stopped making sense. If she had been asked a year ago what she would be doing in October she would not have said, “living my my parents old 32 foot trailer by myself single, alone, and in California.” She might have said starting graduate school again but she would not have came to the conclusion of doing it this way. She wanted to put the cookie down, she did. She felt like a third party bystander watching herself do something she knew she didn't want and knew she shouldn't do unable to stop it. She missed her weight loss. She missed her new body now slowly receding to her regaining weight. She missed he mother. She wanted to step outside of her body and transform into a different being and give herself a verbal beating, “You are going to die if you don't stop. You will not be health, you will not be living, you will not be the person you want and deserve to be.”

She thought back and remembered the girl ever so conscious that the doughnut cheapened her. That it was a cheap thing to fill the space, to fill the void, the emptiness in her life, and her heart. She missed Stewart. She knew no one wanted to know she missed him and she couldn't admit it to anyone. She'd jumped straight in Jakes arms and bed and had hoped she'd skip over missing him. But, the truth was that Jake wasn't what she thought, and she still felt like the man she thought would be the one had left her. She sat at the computer on the particularly hard days and flipped through the pictures of her hiking trip with Stewart the summer before it all came crashing down and two weeks before she found out her mother was dieing. She was happy then. She was happy and almost the weight she was at the end of junior high. She wanted her back.

She tried to call Stewart, but apparently the “I'll be friends and I'll still be here to support you,” only made it a few months and just long enough for him to bring his new girlfriend to her mothers memorial. She needed him anyway. She needed him to talk to her, to help her figure out where she went. She needed him to help tell her how to get through this thing with Jake without it blowing up in her face. It wasn't fair she thought. She was supposed to be getting married in a dress that her mom helped her pick up this fall, not starting over living in the family's old trailer, and wondering what the hell was the point. The only thing she found good in her life at this point was school and chocolate. Those were the joys in life. She was alone and sad. And the sadness was exhausting.