Week 45 cont.

Karlie wanted to curl up and cry. No, correction, she wanted to curl up with rocky road and cry. Filling out her transfer papers and giving notice with her current boss had really brought home reality. She hated that she was so upset. But once again she had finally made friends and was being forced to leave them. It always happened this way. She got comfortable, got to know people then let them get to know here and then the universe pulls the rug out.

"oops, Karlie's about to be happy," she said leaning in her work kitchen, "It's not fair."

What wasn't fair was the man she loved breaking her heart and kicking her out saying he'd miss her. Cheating and tossing her to the curb didn't allow him to miss her. And made it even more painful for him to say it. She wanted to kill him. She wanted to hurt him so that he'd feel a fraction of what she felt. But nothing phased him. No amount of non disclosure or flaunting her friendship with Jake got even the slightest reaction from him. It was like the last three years meant nothing to him, he didn't care.

Karlie moved in and out of optimism about her life. She wasn't sure whether to be excited about possibilities, overwhelmed by them, or to feel like she'd lost everything she wanted.

Week 45

Total loss: 39

To Go: 98

This Week: ???

Karlie couldn't remember when her life had been as much a mess as it was now. She'd been knocked down so many times in four months she was unsure how to get up again. She was so stressed out that despite her work place becoming a cornucopia of fried food and sweets, that she part took of every day, she was still looking pounds.

Her life suddenly amounted to very little. Her mother was dieing, her career no where, and now after three years Stewart called it quits on her. She felt lost and alone and was pouring her sorrow into ice cream sundae's.

She did not want to move back into her parents house, did not want to change store's, and did not want the fact that her relationship ended three months after purchasing a wedding dress to be real. But it was all happening. And the irony of packing her things into the box the wedding dress came in was so painful she couldn't even cry about it, she just started laughing.

The only silver linings to her situation was that she was going to get the spend Christmas with her parents and things were looking good for getting back together with her high school boyfriend. It was all rather confusing to her at the moment. It was a fast transition but that didn't make it wrong, did it?

She and Jake had always loved one another, eleven years of friendship had to mean something. And Karlie wondered if they'd underestimated that love this whole time. She couldn't wait to see him.

Thanks to the transfer of her job from one store to another that she didn't want to make she was fully committed to taking advantage of the situation and spending three weeks in California. She did have some blessings in her situations she supposed. Now if only she could put down the ice cream and get on the treadmill.

Week 37

Total loss: 32.6

To go: 104.4

This week: -4.8

Karlie leaned across the counter and looked at the three days of cooking alone she had ahead of her and hoped her back would give her a break. She'd worked out five days straight with her Wii Fit without trouble, ate freely and lost. So after being jazzed up she decided to get the Jillian Michaels game and really go for it. In the end she was frustrated and in pain.

But, despite the throbbing arthritis in her spine she was determined to keep going, only back to her usual Wii Fit routine. Thirteen minutes of rhythm boxing, and twenty minutes of jogging. It was all cardio. She knew her body could benefit from some strength training like the Wii yoga or circuit training on the Jillian game. The soreness deterred her from tackling it with the same gusto as cardio.

But maybe it would do some good to work out her frustrations. Her boss had scared the crap out of her and reprimanded her to boot. Told her if she had time to stand around then she'd cut her hours and she could do it at home. Karlie was so stunned she didn't know what to say. Even though she was burn cleaning her woks and company policy shays she can't leave the kitchen. Her choices were stand there or sit there.

She wondered if her manager or the store managers realized how much her job in the kitchen was hurry up and wait. In a work day Karlie probably had three hours of work to fit in an eight hour shift. That's not to say the shifts could be shorter. She still needed to be there the whole time to keep the hot case full. But, for four hours of her shift she searched for stuff to do.

At seven thirty she had and hour and a half of shift left and all that was left to do was mop. She wanted to go home and workout. She'd had fried rice and chicken stir-fry for lunch and a slice of coconut cake on her break. Plus her plan for chicken breast and Rice-a-Roni for dinner. She couldn't let soreness stop her from continuing on. She'd half logged every day. Breakfast and lunch made it on the log, dinner and sweets did not. She knew she should be more vigilant but as long as the working out kept the numbers falling she just didn't feel bad about it.

Week 37

Total Loss: 28

To go: 109

This week: +3.8

Karlie stared at the picture of a girl she didn't know on the back of her eyelids most of the night. She was furious and discouraged. Stewart meant well, she thought, but he didn't understand the thing about before and after shots. It's not encouraging if the person doesn't look like she could have been you or someone like you. Because, even if their before picture resembles something like you, if their after looks like freakin' Heidi Klum leaning on the hood of a fucking red convertible they fall into a very small demographic of people that perpetuate the lie. The lie that if you eat/diet just right and workout like mad you too can strut your stuff like Tyra.

It hadn't helped either that Stewart had oh so tactfully said he, "wouldn't say anything else about her 'cuz it would just up-set her." I.E. "I'm not gonna say it but we dated." The next two hours she spent clearing her whole kitchen of all her snacks crying in waves of sobs, "I just want to be pretty." She wished for it so much and she knew that she'll always be the broader built girl with wide hips and broad shoulders that was "cute."

In quiet exhaustion she'd managed to put the china case together in an average amount of time. She was hungry but every time she thought to eat she saw miss blond in her camo bikini. Which made her thing of her own goal bikini. The picture of it was on her visions board, Speedo, two piece, and camo. She wondered if she wasn't reaching for something unattainable.

She thought about Stewart and how he'd slept through the whole ordeal. He hadn't said one word to her when she got out of bed at 1 had and he said nothing that morning. She didn't know if she was more frustrated with him or the fact that she was starving and completely put off food. She speculated it was an equal split. His purpose was sound but his execution was not.

The fact that she'd gained the past week didn't help either. That was what really triggered her situation. She was having so much trouble keeping her tracker that she'd decided to just workout everyday or at least 4 times this week. Which was hen Stewart decided to bring up this girl saying she's, "been working out for four years and look." Karlie knew what she saw was an impossible thing for her and didn't like being compared to her.

She sipped her Coke Zero and tried to put on a happy all is fine face to pick him up in 10 minutes but couldn't muster it. She still just wanted to be pretty. Her hunger eased with each sip and she was pleased with the fact that there was no calorie intake. She knew how she was acting was totally against program but. eat less move more right? Though what she was doing was eating nothing and struggling to get through the day.

Week 36

Total Loss: 31.8

Left to go: 105.2

This Week: -1

Karlie was still in a certain amount of shock. After 3-5 weeks of eating whatever came to mind she had finally regained her control and taken it all back off plus one more pound. She had felt great as she rolled around in her mothers Mustang with the top down. Her tracker still showed Months of no items tracked and she knew if she'd just get back on that she'd do even better.

But even all of that paled in comparison to how she felt Sunday after a crazy weekend of wedding dress shopping. She wasn't engaged, she had no wedding date, and Stewart had a new version of an excuse for waiting. But, her mother's Pancreatic Cancer had thrown her into motion. She wanted to shop for dresses with her mom and that meant doing it now.

She'd made two appointments and had gone into the whole thing figuring she wouldn't buy anything. But that was a silly thing to thing. Low and behold on dress three she had it. She felt amazing and couldn't stop smiling. Then the smile just got bigger when the woman told her that she felt that and 18 would be too big and that knowing she was still tailoring her body they should order a 16. Karlie was beyond impressed with herself at that moment. It was only a year ago she'd worn a 26. It was one of the greatest validations she'd had yet.

Week 35

Loss: 26.2

This week: + 3.8

Karlie had taken a serious thought to making better friends with God. He clearly had something against her. In a matter of one week her existence had gone from, "how do I cope," to, "how do I survive." Both her and Stewart's car's were down, they had no money, her mom, and now most recently her grandmother went into the hospital. She knew the only other thing God could throw at them was something that would just push her over the edge.

He goal for the week was to track every day and come Monday she'd already failed. She was mad at herself and frustrated by falling into old coping patterns. Being up almost four pounds should have been a wake-up call but she felt no more in control or determined than the last few weeks. It was sad, something she wanted so badly and being rid of something that hindered her so much was not doing the trick anymore.

She especially wasn't looking forward to seeing her therapist again and tell her she feels completely out of control and attacked by the world at large. And if it were plausible she'd stay in bet with Dryers and Captain Morgan all day.

She and Stewart had finally made some progress. Talking about marriage and her going back to school. Things were more open, there was more team work. She wished she could have his relaxed way of looking at life. Wished she could just say it'll happen when it happens. But it wasn't her nature. She was a planner, she set goals and worked toward them, She liked deadlines, firm way of knowing when when had to have something done or ways of knowing she wasn't waiting for a working toward nothing.

Week 34

33 Weeks with WW

loss to date 26.8

107 pounds to go

this week's number +.2

It was Thursday and Karlie went to her weigh-in optimistically. She'd admit she hadn't done great but it certainly was better. But, that didn't stop the scale from its progression int he wrong direction once more.

"It's only point two," the woman told her.

"Ya, that's true," Karlie replied, not adding that it made a whole point 8 over the last three weeks. Which she had a admit wasn't a massive gain it just wasn't what she was looking for.

She blamed her job really. In the beginning sit had made everything simpler, she had been doing enough work on her feet 4-5 days a week that it didn't matter if she overaged her pints some. Now only getting 3 days she wasn't getting the workout she was before.

She stared at her shopping list for camping that weekend. She had bought a new swim suit while Stewart was a work yesterday. It was three sizes smaller than the one she got eight months ago and he hadn't seen it yet. She was so excited when she tugged the sucker on. The thing adhered to her body like a just too small glove but because it skirted it couldn't bee seen how stuffed into it she was, and hopefully the smaller size would make it last a bit.

Week 32

32 Weeks with WW (Weight Watchers)

27 lb.'s lost to date

this week's numbers -.6

Sitting outside the grocery store Karlie quietly surveyed her lunch and logged it by hand in her tracker book. 7 points sandwich, 1 point yogurt, 2 points spring rolls, and 0 points on her one soda for the day. She was wide awake and so worn down at the same time. What she could really use was a swim, but she just couldn't find it in herself to spend the money. Even though it was equal to the price of the sandwich she was eating.

She wasn't entirely sure why it was so hard to make the right choice sometimes. She felt like a bad Godfather quote, "Take the cannoli leave the gun," or whatever it was. Go take a swim and feel invigorated for days or get a sandwich and simply feel full, sandwich it is.

She spent half her time at work trying to find something to do and the other half making up something to do. She walked through the kitchen considering total defiance and not doing any of it. But she'd always been the over reliable type. The king that got saddled with responsibility not because it was her responsibility but because she was the one who stepped up and did things. She was kind and people took advantage of that. She'd even been told it by a total stranger when she was 16. She'd gone to get her nails done for a dance when the manicurist pointed to her palm and said, "You are too nice. People take advantage of you." Now 9 and a half years later she was still that way and wondered if the oriental woman was trying to warn her.

She was too nice and whatever anger, sadness, loneliness, or hurt she felt went right into her mouth and onto her hips. Not to mention thighs, butt, stomach, and arms. She should be running around flaunting he 25 year old body and turning down boys. Instead she'd been a size bigger than her ate at 24 when her boyfriend told her he wouldn't marry her if she didn't change. He had been right, and though angry she'd come to understand his side. How could he enter a marriage where it was almost certain she'd die first? O with someone that without change would be risking her life to have kids? It was a mean thing but it was possibly the best thing he could have done for her.

Week 30

Karlie was striving for better. For the past two weeks she'd run under the philosophy that Stress+Summer+her Period= Smores, and she fully expected it to bite her in the butt when she weighted in. However, it hadn't been as bad as she had expected, up only point six. Still it was time to get back on track and do better. And considering the smores, better wasn't a lot to ask of herself.

She'd fallen off the waggon hard, going through two six packs of Hershey bars in about a week and a half. She didn't have any excuse other than she wanted them, but now was a time for progress.

Karlie was tired of working herself silly at a job that wasn't paying what she was worth and cutting hours left and right. It wasn't the work though. It was wondering when she'd have a weekend off, or weather or not she'd have a holiday off to she her mom. She liked the people she worked with, she even liked her boss. she just wasn't making enough or getting enough time.

She'd applied for a position at the university on a whim just because it provided all the things she'd been complaining about plus a $3.65 per hour pay increase. But looking at the posting now she was more terrified that she'd get an interview than excited. She realized that she should have read more thoroughly and quite possibly made the same mistake a second time, getting all excited about an opportunity then discovering it's more than she bargained for.

Her life felt constricted, stifled, and stuck. She wasn't sure how to go about getting her masers degree, her mom was slowly dieing, and her boyfriend was taking his time moving their three year relationship to the next step. She felt like she had very little control over anything. She was trying to do the right thing by everyone. She just didn't know what the right thing to do by herself was. What she wanted was for her mother to be fine. What she wanted was for Stewart to go where she could go to school. What she wanted was for him to say, "screw our circumstances merry me." But that wasn't how things were gonna go.

Looking out form her deli window she stared toward the bakery. Nope, that's too easy she thought.

Week 29

Karlie couldn't take the stress anymore. She looked down at the chocolate frosted doughnut with sprinkles and felt like asking it why it was so cheep. A little change bought you instantaneous, momentary satisfaction followed by a load of "hit my 10% weight goal two weeks ago," guilt.

She hated that she was backsliding and that her etools tracker would show at least a months worth of nothing. It had started out simple. She hadn't tracked because she wasn't home, then her mom's health took her away from home again. Then when she got back knowing her mothers prognosis wasn't good she couldn't find the motivation.

Karlie just wanted something to be easy. Her life was anything but easy at this point but a chocolate covered doughnut with sprinkles was easy. The only eating plan that was on track now was her dogs.

She took a moment t o chuckle at the fact there were nine cupcakes sitting in her fridge at home. Trish had brought them as soon as she heard the news.

"I know your on an eating plan and all. But, it's not like I could bring you comfort carrots," Trish told her.

The problem wasn't the cupcakes. The problem was the fact the Karlie was eating two a day like lithium with no desire to exercise, that was the problem. Thirty minutes a day wasn't that hard to find. Hell, she'd done 30-45 for four days straight just last week and her schedule was no more packed this week then it was then. Which means, "I'm busy," was not a valid excuse.

"That's it," she said to the doughnut making the homeless man at the table next to her look up, "30 minutes tonight before Stewart gets home." She ate the doughnut and went back into work.

Week 25

Karlie stared at the unsuspecting woman taking down her weight for the week. She wondered if the woman knew how desperately she wanted to blame her for that stupid plus two. It was the second gain week in a row for Karlie and she was all but ready to just scream in the crowded Weight Watches center. She speculated weather or not the woman would simply look at her like, “Ya I know how you feel,” or just pretend she didn’t notice.

Karlie wished desperately to just make the numbers magically go down.

“You can step down now,” the woman told her.

“Oh, I was just hoping that the earth would shift and make me lighter in a moment.”

They both laughed, knowing that they had all hoped that every day of their lives when the scale was involved.

“Are you staying for the meeting?”

“Absolutely.”

Karlie seriously wanted to go home before work but knew that a missed meeting session would lead to yet another week of disappointment, another week another chance at better choices she thought.

She took her seat and stared at the loving couple on the other side of the room and wondered if it would ever be possible for Stewart to understand her as much as that couple understood each other. But she also knew that as far as her significant other was concerned he would never really grasp the unfathomableness of the task at hand. Stewart would most likely never grow beyond a small ponch that would never even creep over the top of his belt and in many ways she was thankful for such a thing, but on the other hand, not having the ability to watch the numbers on the scale grow would leave him without the knowledge of how it was about so much more than weight to go back the other direction.

The leader stepped to the front and asked how they were all doing. Karlie looked at the topic for the day.

“Lets just say it’s a good time for a talk about self-controll.”

“Not a good week for you then Karlie?”

Did she talk out loud? Clearly she had. Her leader moved on into the lecture for the day, and Karlie slowly willed herself into better consciousness. Not a morning person, but also armed with the knowledge that the body is lighter in the morning, she gets up every Thursday to step up on that scale at 9am. Not that that’s super early, but to a girl who works evenings and has to get up no earlier than 10 to make it to work it was a feat of pure will.

Getting back in her car Karlie mulled over the topic for the day. Controll, self-controll, control of ones self, she smiled. Sometimes she wondered if this journey was heading in the direction she wanted, two steps forward one step back was better than no steps at all, it had already become plain that the pace of this trip wasn’t going to be as quick as she liked but what was. Time usually mad a mockery of her anyway, what she excelled at was accomplishments no matter the time frame and she was sick of this one eluding her, that’s why she’d decided to rely on the experts, a company that’s been in business this long has track record going for it and that’s what she wanted, a better track record. Otherwise it was just another in the however many diets she’d tried that led to nowhere.

Work was a simple thing. Put the food in the fryer, put into hot case, and do not under any circumstances eat it.