Week 37

Total Loss: 28

To go: 109

This week: +3.8

Karlie stared at the picture of a girl she didn't know on the back of her eyelids most of the night. She was furious and discouraged. Stewart meant well, she thought, but he didn't understand the thing about before and after shots. It's not encouraging if the person doesn't look like she could have been you or someone like you. Because, even if their before picture resembles something like you, if their after looks like freakin' Heidi Klum leaning on the hood of a fucking red convertible they fall into a very small demographic of people that perpetuate the lie. The lie that if you eat/diet just right and workout like mad you too can strut your stuff like Tyra.

It hadn't helped either that Stewart had oh so tactfully said he, "wouldn't say anything else about her 'cuz it would just up-set her." I.E. "I'm not gonna say it but we dated." The next two hours she spent clearing her whole kitchen of all her snacks crying in waves of sobs, "I just want to be pretty." She wished for it so much and she knew that she'll always be the broader built girl with wide hips and broad shoulders that was "cute."

In quiet exhaustion she'd managed to put the china case together in an average amount of time. She was hungry but every time she thought to eat she saw miss blond in her camo bikini. Which made her thing of her own goal bikini. The picture of it was on her visions board, Speedo, two piece, and camo. She wondered if she wasn't reaching for something unattainable.

She thought about Stewart and how he'd slept through the whole ordeal. He hadn't said one word to her when she got out of bed at 1 had and he said nothing that morning. She didn't know if she was more frustrated with him or the fact that she was starving and completely put off food. She speculated it was an equal split. His purpose was sound but his execution was not.

The fact that she'd gained the past week didn't help either. That was what really triggered her situation. She was having so much trouble keeping her tracker that she'd decided to just workout everyday or at least 4 times this week. Which was hen Stewart decided to bring up this girl saying she's, "been working out for four years and look." Karlie knew what she saw was an impossible thing for her and didn't like being compared to her.

She sipped her Coke Zero and tried to put on a happy all is fine face to pick him up in 10 minutes but couldn't muster it. She still just wanted to be pretty. Her hunger eased with each sip and she was pleased with the fact that there was no calorie intake. She knew how she was acting was totally against program but. eat less move more right? Though what she was doing was eating nothing and struggling to get through the day.

Week 36

Total Loss: 31.8

Left to go: 105.2

This Week: -1

Karlie was still in a certain amount of shock. After 3-5 weeks of eating whatever came to mind she had finally regained her control and taken it all back off plus one more pound. She had felt great as she rolled around in her mothers Mustang with the top down. Her tracker still showed Months of no items tracked and she knew if she'd just get back on that she'd do even better.

But even all of that paled in comparison to how she felt Sunday after a crazy weekend of wedding dress shopping. She wasn't engaged, she had no wedding date, and Stewart had a new version of an excuse for waiting. But, her mother's Pancreatic Cancer had thrown her into motion. She wanted to shop for dresses with her mom and that meant doing it now.

She'd made two appointments and had gone into the whole thing figuring she wouldn't buy anything. But that was a silly thing to thing. Low and behold on dress three she had it. She felt amazing and couldn't stop smiling. Then the smile just got bigger when the woman told her that she felt that and 18 would be too big and that knowing she was still tailoring her body they should order a 16. Karlie was beyond impressed with herself at that moment. It was only a year ago she'd worn a 26. It was one of the greatest validations she'd had yet.

Week 35

Loss: 26.2

This week: + 3.8

Karlie had taken a serious thought to making better friends with God. He clearly had something against her. In a matter of one week her existence had gone from, "how do I cope," to, "how do I survive." Both her and Stewart's car's were down, they had no money, her mom, and now most recently her grandmother went into the hospital. She knew the only other thing God could throw at them was something that would just push her over the edge.

He goal for the week was to track every day and come Monday she'd already failed. She was mad at herself and frustrated by falling into old coping patterns. Being up almost four pounds should have been a wake-up call but she felt no more in control or determined than the last few weeks. It was sad, something she wanted so badly and being rid of something that hindered her so much was not doing the trick anymore.

She especially wasn't looking forward to seeing her therapist again and tell her she feels completely out of control and attacked by the world at large. And if it were plausible she'd stay in bet with Dryers and Captain Morgan all day.

She and Stewart had finally made some progress. Talking about marriage and her going back to school. Things were more open, there was more team work. She wished she could have his relaxed way of looking at life. Wished she could just say it'll happen when it happens. But it wasn't her nature. She was a planner, she set goals and worked toward them, She liked deadlines, firm way of knowing when when had to have something done or ways of knowing she wasn't waiting for a working toward nothing.

Week 34

33 Weeks with WW

loss to date 26.8

107 pounds to go

this week's number +.2

It was Thursday and Karlie went to her weigh-in optimistically. She'd admit she hadn't done great but it certainly was better. But, that didn't stop the scale from its progression int he wrong direction once more.

"It's only point two," the woman told her.

"Ya, that's true," Karlie replied, not adding that it made a whole point 8 over the last three weeks. Which she had a admit wasn't a massive gain it just wasn't what she was looking for.

She blamed her job really. In the beginning sit had made everything simpler, she had been doing enough work on her feet 4-5 days a week that it didn't matter if she overaged her pints some. Now only getting 3 days she wasn't getting the workout she was before.

She stared at her shopping list for camping that weekend. She had bought a new swim suit while Stewart was a work yesterday. It was three sizes smaller than the one she got eight months ago and he hadn't seen it yet. She was so excited when she tugged the sucker on. The thing adhered to her body like a just too small glove but because it skirted it couldn't bee seen how stuffed into it she was, and hopefully the smaller size would make it last a bit.

Week 32

32 Weeks with WW (Weight Watchers)

27 lb.'s lost to date

this week's numbers -.6

Sitting outside the grocery store Karlie quietly surveyed her lunch and logged it by hand in her tracker book. 7 points sandwich, 1 point yogurt, 2 points spring rolls, and 0 points on her one soda for the day. She was wide awake and so worn down at the same time. What she could really use was a swim, but she just couldn't find it in herself to spend the money. Even though it was equal to the price of the sandwich she was eating.

She wasn't entirely sure why it was so hard to make the right choice sometimes. She felt like a bad Godfather quote, "Take the cannoli leave the gun," or whatever it was. Go take a swim and feel invigorated for days or get a sandwich and simply feel full, sandwich it is.

She spent half her time at work trying to find something to do and the other half making up something to do. She walked through the kitchen considering total defiance and not doing any of it. But she'd always been the over reliable type. The king that got saddled with responsibility not because it was her responsibility but because she was the one who stepped up and did things. She was kind and people took advantage of that. She'd even been told it by a total stranger when she was 16. She'd gone to get her nails done for a dance when the manicurist pointed to her palm and said, "You are too nice. People take advantage of you." Now 9 and a half years later she was still that way and wondered if the oriental woman was trying to warn her.

She was too nice and whatever anger, sadness, loneliness, or hurt she felt went right into her mouth and onto her hips. Not to mention thighs, butt, stomach, and arms. She should be running around flaunting he 25 year old body and turning down boys. Instead she'd been a size bigger than her ate at 24 when her boyfriend told her he wouldn't marry her if she didn't change. He had been right, and though angry she'd come to understand his side. How could he enter a marriage where it was almost certain she'd die first? O with someone that without change would be risking her life to have kids? It was a mean thing but it was possibly the best thing he could have done for her.

Week 30

Karlie was striving for better. For the past two weeks she'd run under the philosophy that Stress+Summer+her Period= Smores, and she fully expected it to bite her in the butt when she weighted in. However, it hadn't been as bad as she had expected, up only point six. Still it was time to get back on track and do better. And considering the smores, better wasn't a lot to ask of herself.

She'd fallen off the waggon hard, going through two six packs of Hershey bars in about a week and a half. She didn't have any excuse other than she wanted them, but now was a time for progress.

Karlie was tired of working herself silly at a job that wasn't paying what she was worth and cutting hours left and right. It wasn't the work though. It was wondering when she'd have a weekend off, or weather or not she'd have a holiday off to she her mom. She liked the people she worked with, she even liked her boss. she just wasn't making enough or getting enough time.

She'd applied for a position at the university on a whim just because it provided all the things she'd been complaining about plus a $3.65 per hour pay increase. But looking at the posting now she was more terrified that she'd get an interview than excited. She realized that she should have read more thoroughly and quite possibly made the same mistake a second time, getting all excited about an opportunity then discovering it's more than she bargained for.

Her life felt constricted, stifled, and stuck. She wasn't sure how to go about getting her masers degree, her mom was slowly dieing, and her boyfriend was taking his time moving their three year relationship to the next step. She felt like she had very little control over anything. She was trying to do the right thing by everyone. She just didn't know what the right thing to do by herself was. What she wanted was for her mother to be fine. What she wanted was for Stewart to go where she could go to school. What she wanted was for him to say, "screw our circumstances merry me." But that wasn't how things were gonna go.

Looking out form her deli window she stared toward the bakery. Nope, that's too easy she thought.

Week 29

Karlie couldn't take the stress anymore. She looked down at the chocolate frosted doughnut with sprinkles and felt like asking it why it was so cheep. A little change bought you instantaneous, momentary satisfaction followed by a load of "hit my 10% weight goal two weeks ago," guilt.

She hated that she was backsliding and that her etools tracker would show at least a months worth of nothing. It had started out simple. She hadn't tracked because she wasn't home, then her mom's health took her away from home again. Then when she got back knowing her mothers prognosis wasn't good she couldn't find the motivation.

Karlie just wanted something to be easy. Her life was anything but easy at this point but a chocolate covered doughnut with sprinkles was easy. The only eating plan that was on track now was her dogs.

She took a moment t o chuckle at the fact there were nine cupcakes sitting in her fridge at home. Trish had brought them as soon as she heard the news.

"I know your on an eating plan and all. But, it's not like I could bring you comfort carrots," Trish told her.

The problem wasn't the cupcakes. The problem was the fact the Karlie was eating two a day like lithium with no desire to exercise, that was the problem. Thirty minutes a day wasn't that hard to find. Hell, she'd done 30-45 for four days straight just last week and her schedule was no more packed this week then it was then. Which means, "I'm busy," was not a valid excuse.

"That's it," she said to the doughnut making the homeless man at the table next to her look up, "30 minutes tonight before Stewart gets home." She ate the doughnut and went back into work.